Room 308, Monday night

[smartestone]

Hermione's trying very hard to finish off her letter to the Ministry. She got them to let her use magic here, so maybe they'll be easier-going on her without Harry's influence, and Professor McGonagall already said she'd help argue her case if need be, but still, she wants this to be perfect. And if all goes well, she'll be able to be back at Hogwarts in June just to take her O.W.L.S.

Crooshanks is at the foot of her bed... doing absolutely nothing.

[Open!]

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[the_merriest]

Rikku stared. A lot. The stare of someone who was completely, totally not expecting any of that, and particularly not in such a matter of fact tone.

"Oh," she squeaked, finally. "Oh. Yeah. One of those. Right! They, uh. You'd need a ... cozy. For that. Uh. Why would you ... put a ..."

That's the sound of her brain breaking, right there.

[smartestone]

"Because pants apparently aren't good enough," Hermione says simply. "Though apparently they make good house elf ear cozies- ew."

And now Hermione just broke her own brain.

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

Alec looked at the both of them and let the silence linger for a moment. "...I think I'm going to be grateful I have no idea what a house elf is," he said slowly.

[the_merriest]

"I don't either," Rikku said. And was going to stop there, but the problem is, she was far too much the type of person to ask questions that she shouldn't, because she just had to know.

"... And why do you put socks on them? Cozies, I mean? Does that ... does it h-help with ..."

Ah, crap. Broken again.

[smartestone]

"If you don't really want to know, I wouldn't ask," Hermione says quickly.

[the_merriest]

"If I don't ask, I'm just gonna sit and think about it and come up with something way worse than what it's really ... " She trailed off for a second. "Probably worse, anyway."

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

"Imagination is fun like that," Alec said, smirking. "So do they need bigger ones? 'Cause I can scale up the size of the cozies."

[smartestone]

"The cozies are fine," says Hermione, sounding a little high-pitched post-brain breakage. "If they have any other specifications to make later, I'll let you know."

[the_merriest]

"So people ... they have ... they use ... and they ..."

It was like an ice cream headache.

She sighed. "I didn't know there was so much, uh. That I didn't know about, uh."

She is not going to flail.

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

"The dildos or the cozies?" Alec asked, watching Rikku not-quite-flail. "I think the cozies are to keep them from getting dusty, but I kind of think if you have one you'd use it more often than that."

[smartestone]

"Oh my god."

There are no other words.

[the_merriest]

Rikku stared some more.

"I meant sex!" she chirped finally, and wished she could figure out which part of her brain decided to start talking so she could kill it. "I didn't know that people used plastic-y fake dicks and then made little furry socks for them and that you had to keep them from getting dusty! Although I imagine dust would be bad if you're using it like that!"

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, that's probably why Ms Frost had us make some, since she had a whole box of them and I doubt she can use them all at once." Alec paused, looking thoughtful. "Maybe one after the other."

[smartestone]

Hermione's eyes are so wide. "I think I have to go away now," she says. Her brain is breaking, and she needs that brain.

[the_merriest]

One after the ...

"Emma Frost?" she asked. "There was a party for her. Or about her. And you had to show up half-naked."

"Uh ... what kind of teacher is she?!"

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

"Home ec," Alec supplied. "But she always dresses like there's a pole at the head of the class with her name on it." He didn't sound as though he were complaining, really..

[smartestone]

"That just can't be appropriate," Hermione says, frowning. Honestly, dildo cozies.

She's completely ignoring the absolute lack of dress code and the fact that she accidentally wandered into a shirtless common room like her second week here. Blame tonight's trauma.

[the_merriest]

"A pole?" Rikku whimpered. "What kind of pole ... why would she ..."

She grabbed a pillow and pulled it over her head.

[smartestone]

Hermione turns to Alec and says, "I think you broke her."

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

Alec blinked. "Score?"

[smartestone]

"Um. Maybe we should call it a night," Hermione says slowly, just in case she needs to take Rikku to the clinic for trauma, or accidental suffocation by pillow. "Thank you, Alec."

[the_merriest]

There were whimpery sounds from under the pillow which somewhat approximated "Bye, Alec."

[x5-alec.livejournal.com]

Alec snickered. "Night, ladies," he said, heading for the door. "Try not to think too hard."